it's odd really how things work out.™

i'm back home. i hate it here.

and do remember....

         smile for the children. . . . . . . . . [ they still don't know.]

Currently Playing Anything Goes (1987 Broadway Revival Cast) By Cole Porter, Howard McGillin, Patti LuPone see related

Payton was called a fucking bastard hippie.

Currently Playing Wicked (2003 Original Broadway Cast) By Stephen Schwartz, Kristin Chenoweth, Idina Menzel see related

As he laid there curled up in the fetal postion

It dawned on me…..

I will never have this person

As much as I’d like to believe

As much as I’d like to hope

I will never have this person

He is beauty incarnate

All that I find good in this world

I find in him

He is an angel in my eyes

When I look at him

When he smiles

I seem to want to cringe

It pains me to know

To know as a certainty

I will never have this person

I don’t know what this is

I don’t know what I feel

But I do know

If I do not get over him

I will never be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone

I know this

Yet

I torture myself over it

I don’t know if he is straight

If he wasn’t then I still wouldn’t have a chance

He has soo much before him

I feel like a horrible person

An inadequate person

I don’t know anything anymore

It scares me

It truly scares me

To be perfectly honest

I am now questioning my own sexuality

Again

I suppose now that it would be o.k,

to reflect upon my day and describe to you what it is I did,

you will feign interest.

I will be saddened by your disinterest and retreat to the woods

I cry there.

i don’t know what it is that you do there…

i suppose that you just go to smoke pot.

I suppose it is best to think that one day there will be some sort of redemption

from this word of lies and falsehoods.

I think of this and am again saddened and disheartened.

I want to be able to help you see that one day there will be some sort of light

A light that will illuminate your life and make you feel good about who you are,

and what exactly your purpose is.

Don’t get me wrong. I have yet to see this “light”, but I hear it’s wonderful.

The light could mean different things to different people in so many ways.

The light could be finding god.

It could be realizing how much you’ve fucked up your life,

The light could be education,

                                         Knowledge,

                                                          Wisdom.

The light can be anything to anyone at any moment.

I hope that I find the light soon.

It may hurt until I do,

and there may be much dissatisfaction and turmoil,

but i’m sure it’s worth it.

Currently Playing Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory: Music From The Original Soundtrack Of The Paramount Picture By Anthony Newley, Leslie Bricusse see related

i feel sad . . . . . but not for myself.

                                                              surprise.

                           i'm questioning god again.

      i don't know what to think,

                      or whom to believe.

I really am attracted to Walt. I don't know why.........it could be that i can't have him...but i believe it to be more than that.

                           Everytime i look at him, i see an angel.

         I really see an angel.

i want to feel infinite.

Currently Playing The Queen is Dead By The Smiths see related